All the faces and graces of Krishna
Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2000
From: A <email@example.com>
Subject: Seeking support...
Hey my loves...
This is probably the first time that I am seeking your moral support. I have been feeling very close to you these past few weeks. They have been very turbulent, on all levels of my personal life. I encountered a person who appears to have had the greatest emotional effect on me. She forced me to face my self and re-assess my principles (or lack thereof) of life and relationships with other humans. As of yesterday, it appears that it's been extremely emotional for her too (there's a week's time lapse between our reactions, which appear to be quite similar, mine being ahead). In this internal search that I have undertaken as of very recently, it emerged that I could consider monofidelity to a much larger extent than I would guess before. However, I (and she also) find it very difficult to identify when such a relationship might stop being faithful and actually becomes posessive or monopolistic. I wanted your opinion on that (?) and generally the subject... I know that you both are very busy, and I appreciate that. I will appreciate even more a speedy, reassuring (if possible) comment and will be indebted always.
I love you both so much!
All the faces and graces of Krishna
Just got your letter, and I thought "I should have another cuppa coffee" before attempting to write. So, that cup is now in the works, and Iíll try to compose myself so as to sound halfway intelligent - while Iím actually still only half awake.
You broach difficult and heavy subjects, here, and the explorations
into our feelings, thoughts, perceptions, ideologies tangent to them, are
legion. This particular body of text then, will only be a dense, crude
bridge into those realms; hopefully a conduit for further sharing, a catalyst
So, you broach difficult and heavy subjects, here, and who am I to pretend
to possess any wisdom available for others to apply? In my own life, Iíve
experienced a giant chunk of painful and unbearable conflicts and
dramas whose generating powers resided within the question of "shape and
structure" of love relationships; more specifically, the center of the
cyclone being that of compulsory morality - enforced monogamy - that
cyclone has poisoned more of my own life and the lives of people I care
for, more than anything else I know of.
Reading this "little parenthesis" above, I realise itís easy to miss the point: the point is that none of the above have upset my life as much as the illness of jealousy and compulsory monogamy.
Why do I start off this way? Well, I want to set the tone, gain a sense of proportion, to state how ba-a-a-a-ad things have been in my life. And also, so that I can relate the comparison a little better, when I say that Iíve also been blessed in my life with some rare, beautiful moments and times when relationships in my life have been entirely free, honest, honourable and dignified, and none of the crap was able to infect our shared sense of love and bonding.
The person who just recently catalysed within you this exploration, must be a very special one, since her presence was able to bring you in touch with pressing feelings previously less visible, more hidden, waiting for the right conditions to come out. If itís ok with you, Iíd like to address her as well, through this letter: Friend, thank you for having this presence. I hope we someday get a chance to meet in person. If anything you read here sounds offensive or disturbing, please forgive me, the intentions are to build, not erode trust and faith.
What "great words of wisdom" can I share with you? I can tell you this: Iím sorry if this statement might disappoint you, but the truth is, there is no set formula to solve these problems - they are solvable, and the solution comes only through an emotional, political and spiritual process. There isnít any particular thing one might read in order to solve the problems (even this letter is not going to), there isnít a film made which can heal us when we watch it. There is only a personal process of opening up to our emotions, exploring who we are, what we want, how and why we want it, sharing our feelings and desires, discovering or refining our guiding principles, and re-shaping our lives according to those principles, to the degree thatís feasible. And, sorry to disappoint you further, this is a process which lasts a lifetime. It has to.
It never ends - this process - because all the beautiful people who come into our lives, continually bring us in touch with parts of ourselves which need exploring or resolving, and also because this contact brings them in touch with similar stuff acting within themselves, and these involve either a continuous crisis, or, a shared process of communication and healing. The powers that be, continually create situations where everyday we are bombarded with messages and emotional events which poison us and our relationships, and we therefore need politically committed and spiritually inspired communities of love and nurturance and struggle, in order to overcome the shit we encounter.
On the basis of my claims above, what can I offer you? I can offer you my own desire to see you happy in your love life, and my openness, if you want it, to be a part of a process which perhaps you might use in order to normalise stuff, in the sense of dialogue, mutual masturbation - oops, I meant mutual "exploration" there - in the exchange of ideas, feelings, thoughts, stories, resources, which taken together, over a period of time might increase (not just for you, but for all of us involved), our abilities to harmonise our feelings, desires, our principles and the arrangements of our love lives.
I can also offer you this: The core of my personal truth is, that I
have not really matured much in my life, I think, on these issues! It would
be very easy to dismiss everything I tell you here as being the ramblings
of an immature person. Historicaly, it's true!
My "early teen wisdom" (read "hebephrenia"), is actually pretty simple:
The terrible and, I hope, obvious truth to all this, is that men are
the bearers of the prime responsibility to effect the social, political
and personal changes in this realm. This is because men are the primary
conduits of authoritarianism in life, enforcing on women and children the
anxiety, fears, prohibitions and ideologies on which the system of compulsory
morality and enforced monogamy is founded. Itís only much later in life
that women begin to gravitate to enforcing this crap on others, in their
role as betrayed wives, embittered lovers, bossed- over daughters, sisters
and mothers - itís the natural response of the disempowered to attempt
to enforce some sort of equality with their immediate oppressor even if
it spells "injustice for all". We must accept this as a guide to how we
build relationships within which there can be trust, first, and only then
Well, there is the level of abstractions and that of the nitty-gritty. Letís get a little closer to the nitty-gritty: No problems can be solved at the level of abstraction.
Two triads - 3 entries in a row beginning with each of next two these links, give you a good dose of the flavour of honesty these explorations require of us, if weíre ever to emerge capable of loving sanely:
More words of wisdom and clarity, from your very own Sue Scandalous: